Wednesday 20 August 2014

Sex Chat

Hi there sex fans :D

I thought I'd have a little exploration into some of the feelings and emotions around sex. This is coming from a personal point of view so I'd be very interested if you felt able to add your opinions in the comments.

Most of the erotica I write has some sort of 'strings attached'. And by that, I mean my characters usually have some sort of turmoil raging in their head - either associated with the sexual act or sex is used to heal them in some way - or gets them over a particular hurdle - or they are just scared of letting go and exposing themselves that deeply to another human. What if I'm too hairy, smelly, fat, thin, big, small, wet, hard, soft, loud, shy, quiet? What if I don't know what to do? What if it won't fit? What if I look different 'down there' to everyone else, what if they don't like me afterwards? What if I don't like them afterwards? What if they tell all my friends? What if they tell all of their friends? What if they don't tell their friends? What if they can read my mind? What if I fall in love? What if I don't? You know - all that good sheet crawly stuff that offers us torture in our hour of lust.

moisture droplets on petal
It's strange for my writing to be so embroiled with these emotions as I have always been very comfortable with my sexuality and sensuality. I've always known how to have an orgasm, I've always known what sex is and what it's for. I even challenged the sex education teacher - so frustrated by the purely physical slant put on the class, it was basically a biology lesson - and what I wanted was chemistry! Oh yeah!

"So what's the point?" I asked.
The teacher was puzzled and asked me what I meant.
"Well, apart form making babies, what's the point? Why would you be warning us against doing it when it's only for procreation?" Yes, I was being a bit annoying and precocious but I was desperate to hear something about sexuality, not just sex. I wanted her to say something like - "Because it feels great. Because your hormones drive you to do it. Because it connects you to another human being in the most incredible way possible. Because there will come a time when you are around someone that you will just want to eat up in every way. Because, and because and because!"

I felt cheated. I wanted more than a sex talk. I wanted a sexuality and sensuality talk. I wanted to talk about feelings and emotion. I think it is the most interesting and exciting part of the whole sexual journey. That first buzz when your eyes meet. The first trickle between your legs when you did not expect it. The racing heart, the Oh My God what the hell is this? feelings.

That moment...
I was lucky to be brought up in a home where sensuality and sexuality were talked about in an honest and open way. I was prepared for the fact that while my body might be raring to go, my heart and mind might take a little longer to adjust. After all, once it's done, you can't undo it.

I remember feeling so helpless for some of my friends who I knew were desperate to lose their physical 'virginity' without a care for their emotional one.

So I think I explore this over and over again. I keep returning to this connection between people that my characters may or may not be ready for and the impact of that. Mostly in my stories, sex brings people together and heals them - people 'grow up' together through the sexual shared experience.

Sex and sexuality is a joyful and wonderful thing... but incredibly complex.

I'm sure it has all changed nowadays and young people are given lots of education on all aspects of sex. I hope so.

What do you think?

If you're shy - be anonymous - heck, if you're really shy, email me!


x x x

By the way - these images are from my Pinterest board... :D
Not sure what the etiquette on sharing is, but hopefully that all takes you back to the right place... x x


  1. My sex ed was pretty good -we got a bit of the emotional side of things, not just the physical. The PSE teacher I had was very good, others were not so very good. I explore themse of connection, of healing and of satisfaction with my writing. I love showing how a relationship starts and how it becomes more than just lust.

    1. So glad you had a good emotional education - it's so important I think! x x x - Yes - I really love your stories - they really get that just met chemistry beautifully :D

  2. People have been having trouble commenting here - sorry about that - but here is a Twitter response from the unstoppable and utterly fabulous, Ms Vida Bailey:

    "You blog doesn't process my comments. Here's an old rant from me! Oh man - if I could put a sex ed course together... tell people about female anatomy, for real, and what to do with it. Talk about relationship skills, and communication skills.
    Equip people to have interpersonal and sexual relationships. Talk about self esteem and body acceptance. Talk about what people actually look like and how to be tolerant and inclusive. Talk about porn, the goods, bads and uglies. Talk about CONSENT CONSENT CONSENT. About disability. About gay sex. About contraception, birth, breastfeeding... SO MUCH TO TALK ABOUT that's been ignored for so long. I don't know if it IS much better now than it was."

    Thanks Vida - I'm sad you think the young are even less informed nowadays - I had a similar comment from F. Leonora Solomon:
    "the tragedy though is i do think the sex ed is any better, i think it seems worse..."

    Thank you everyone for reading this - I will have to follow up on some of these comments x x xx

    1. Viday Bailey:
      F. Leonora:


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