The Spectre

*UPDATE* 
A few days after posting this Blogger reviewed their review of their policy on adult blogs and decided NOT to make any changes! But still, the Spectre looms so this post remains.

All my life I have known about the concept of freedom of speech, freedom of expression. As a child, circumstances challenged this and so I held a lot of that expression inside. I grew and the self-censorship remained.

Over the past few years, I've let bits of myself slip out into the public arena via this little space on the internet, my blog.

But the circumstances are closing in. Old feelings of 'keep quiet' 'shhh' - 'that's bad' are creeping in.

I'm a dramatic artsy type - but I'm also extremely tight about what I express and how I express it. I feel the responsibilities of my rights very keenly. I always put a content warning up and you can't even 'like' my Facebook page unless you're 18. 

The reason for this today is that my art (see my drawings page) may be deemed unsuitable for this blog platform. May fall under this change of my blog host's policy - 'we'll no longer allow blogs that contain sexually explicit or graphic nude images or video. We'll still allow nudity presented in artistic, educational, documentary or scientific contexts, or where there are other substantial benefits to the public from not taking action on the content.'

I hope my drawings would be seen as artistic - but I can't deny they are intended to be erotic - so does that mean they are graphic and therefore unacceptable? Who decides?

I've always felt constricted. So this is not a new feeling to me. I know what I have to do - I have to either take down my drawings or make a whole new blog elsewhere and redirect everyone there.

It's just tiring and sad.

I try my best to express myself with honesty, respect for others, and with a joie de vivre that I feel in the pit of my soul. I endeavour to be as eloquent as I can when it comes to my prose - I hope I convey a depth to my writing and art that is considered and true. But it's not me that gets to decide that. It's a subjective thing. And I know when you let something out on an audience, it is no longer yours, it is changed and defined by other's experience of it - which is one of the most delightful and privileged things about it all.

I don't sell many books - in fact I probably give away more than I sell. But still, I feel the urge to write, so it's not for the money. I don't make money from my art either, unless people commission a portrait, but it wouldn't pay the bills. I do it because I need to be creative, if I don't make or express something everyday, a little bit of me fragments. Perhaps I should just keep it to myself. But the joy of collaborating, viewing, sharing, being part of other people's creativity keeps me posting. Keeps me buoyant.

Anyway - this has turned into a wee bitty of a rant. Maybe my drama's for nothing and my pictures will be fine - but that's not the point.

There's a spectre looming.